If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
When you wake up in your dorm right outside your room with the key in the door, then you will understand my pain.
He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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