my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
This is the prime rib incident all over again
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
I totally just potholed and almost crashed while trying to lick salsa off my boob.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
I love the barter system - he got laid and I got him to bring me some ibuprofen. A win-win really.
I need a hoe opinion
go on
Dude, I just turned down sexual favours because I need to study... What the fuck is wrong with me?
Randomize
