you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
I wish there were more things in this world as wonderful as string cheese
Surriously
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
