either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
Dude are you alive? We drank shit that made a german bartender blow chunks.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
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