a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...
i'm making a list of conversation topics in my blackberry so the ride won't be so awkward
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
But seriously, I love having sex with you and simultaneously know I never wanna date you.
i just went to hell in the tanning bed. i think god is giving me a preview of what is in store if i keep getting drunk everyday.
Randomize
