At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.
Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.
he is a god among men.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
Forever getting my life back together in gas station bathrooms.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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