I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
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