tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Maybe you can just make seal noises during sex and we can call it good
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
My walk of shame is starting to become positively reinforcing; I stop by Starbucks and when I leave I look someone just heading to work.
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
