she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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