Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
fuck. did you have to draw it on me with a permanent marker
I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts
just drew up plans to mow my front lawn into the American flag for world cup. that high and patriotic.
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
That was the gentlest I've ever been bitten in the face by a dog
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
Just found my bra in a bag of chips on the kayak floating about the pond. Sure sign of a good night
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
There is an alarming amount of urine in here.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
Randomize
