So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
"If it gets you high just do it" I told him he was the Nike of drug abuse
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
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