Watching NYC prep. Doing a shot everytime one of these d-bags flips his hair. I give it 10 minutes before alcohol poisoning set in.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Did you just send me an ass picture with a quote from the lion king?
What are you gonna do about it?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize