When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
He smells so good today
Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
On a unprofessional note, there's a new girl in photo.
That wasn't unprofessional. The fact that I'm going to fuck her is unprofessional.
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
Did you just correct my spelling of a made up word?
No, I just was using your word in plural form
Just bedazzled a flask, while drinking out of it. Hot glue is EVERYWHERE.
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
Randomize
