I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
I feel like if your cat could talk she would call me a cunt.
At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka
this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Randomize
