God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.
This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
So when I walked out, everyone was chanting ONE OF US, someone draped a lei over my head, and then she grabbed my ass and dragged me back into the bedroom. I'd say it was a pretty good night to lose my virginity.
He was wearing a diaper to the party. I've never felt like such a creep in my life.
Randomize
