Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I've decided to take one for the team and bang the landlady for lower rent.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Nah I think he's a bit weirded out I worked out where he lives from a Facebook photo
Like tbh you're not doing anything that screams I'm drunk and yet nothing says I'm going to spend $30 on McDonalds and make out with a stranger like that picture
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
Randomize
