my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
Nailed a drunk college girl before the CU game Saturday, and a drunk married woman after the Broncos game Sunday.
Some perfection is debatable.
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
I'm starting to second guess shaving my vagina over the kitchen sink. The lighting is so much better though.
He walked door to door asking if anyone needed to get laid. Surprisingly, that ended his drought
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
Randomize
