I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Had a rough day but my boyfriend made that all better by going down on me while letting me watch Top Gear... I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Its my nipple ring piercing anniversary. We need to celebrate.
Got 3360 Shoppers points for buying Plan B. I guess this all worked out for the best.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
