My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
The tent neighbors already set us on fire w an errant roach. How do you think Bonnaroo's going?!
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Are you drunk already?
Not already - at LAST.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Randomize
