I just used my 7th grade year book to figure out who I hooked up with last night. Being home is magical.
Yea. I think between making the bride puke, feeling up the maid of honor, and sleeping with a bridesmaid. I did my part.
So I have the professor convinced that the textbook will take another week to deliver. that should give me enough time to replace the cash i spent on strippers.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I just sang Hey Jude with a homeless man and then we drank beer together. Then I watched asians take pictures under a xmas tree for an hour and fell asleep in an MGM Grand bathroom stall. #AloneinVegas
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Randomize
