Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
Bjs and tacos. That's my life.
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
