Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
i came on her dog
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
Lesson learned the hard way. If it's a "no" on a dating site, it's also a no if you ever run into the person anyplace in public. It's a slap if you mention wanting to poke.
I thought he put a fake swan in my yard, but no, he put a real life swan in my yard
Next time someone asks you what your spirit animal is do you really want to answer the iowa state fair butter cow?
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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