Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
it's like heaven, but drunker
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I always make inappropriate sexual decisions during the holidays
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
Randomize
