She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I'm doing laundry from this weekend.. That poor shirt I wore to the rave smells like a dead animal that rolled in weed and pain..
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I just sent him a message bearing my soul about how much he means to me as a friend and his first response is "are you drunk?"
Shit like this is why I'm a bitch to everyone.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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