Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
wake up i wanna do it froggy style
Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.
Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
JUST MADE A FLAMING SLED. MIGHT HAVE 3RD DEGREE BURNS.
you texted me "dude im face"
it sounded so right at the time
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
He told me to grab his penis so I did and swung it around and said “awe, it looks like the wacky inflatable tube man.
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
Randomize