There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
He is indeed a crazy mutha fucka. But mark my words. MARK MY WORDS. My job has placed me at the same party as Tom Cruise. I. Am. Fucking. The. Crazy. Out. Of . That. Alien . Fucker.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
Well, he hasn't actually seen me naked. Just my boobs... and the left side of my vagina.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
