At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
He panicked, you ducked and I was coming off a 3 day coke binge. It was no one's shining moment.
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
hahahaha classic. this is why you are going to a college with a hospital right next to it
My roommate walked in on my inserting a tampon. Somehow, I don't think this will be improving our relationship.
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