I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
I hate when people I sell to add me on Facebook. I'm your dealer, not your friend, C'mon people.
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
All I know is I want him to tie me up at least twice a week and I have an overwhelming urge to cook for him. Could this be love? I'm so confused....
I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
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