He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?
A better fuck for starters.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
I vaguely remember having a 'grass is greener' conversation about our nipples. Dream or beautiful reality?
Beautiful, beautiful reality
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Randomize
