i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days
Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..
College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.
This is true but you can't really get fired from college
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
Omg. Some dude is jacking off in Kelly's bathroom.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Damn, I just did coke with a dude in a bathroom and after he took his dick out right in front of me and took a piss. What a power move.
Randomize
