im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
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