Con: they had to cauterize my wound twice. Pro: The docs agreed I'll be able to get really drunk tonight since I've lost so much blood.
sound pretty economical
My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Everyone makes mistakes, yours just means you will forever be known as the chick that tried to steal a cheese plate from the funeral.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I consider any night I don't make out with someone a bad night. So I've been great.
I think girls have an advantage in chugging contests. We know how to just open our throats.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Remember when you tried to talk but you could only count by 2s?
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
