If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.
Hopefully she would park on my face.
my liver gets a handicap on account of the whole being diseased thing
i just found this napkin with your number on it in my jacket pocket. it reads amy, drawing of a wine bottle and a house
It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night
Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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