i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
I will always remember that night by waking up in that tablecloth the next morning
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Can I join you for some emotional "Post: The Ohio State University's first lose in football after a 24 game winning streak" sex?
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
i rearranged my furniture so i could masturbate in the sun. how's that for spring cleaning?
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
