I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
Randomize
