I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
Nothing says "future AA member" like bonging 40's out of a plastic flamingo.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
One time she showed me her pierced nipples in our high school locker room and now she has a daughter
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
How are you feeling today?
Like Satan handed me a grenade and ass sandwich.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
If history is any guide, his morals are no match for my tits
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