It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
I just realized that I have dated 5 unemployed guys...and 3 that drove pt cruisers...Turns out I do have a type.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
I wore sunglasses to take a shower. I might be hungover.
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Randomize
