Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I think I'm getting too used to throwing up in the reception trash can. It doesn't even phase me anymore
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.
I'd bet your vomit would be flammable at this point. Can I try to light it?
We wouldn't be friends if you didn't.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
Randomize
