oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
Is it rude to say "I hate you because you live inside Hillary Clinton's asshole"?
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
