Saw shirtless man with angel wing tramp stamp seen biking in my neighborhood. Considering moving.
he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
scratch lunch, i just found about 7 more dicks drawn on my back
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
That was the #1 scariest moment in my life. I have full trust in you, I let you bite my penis for god sake.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
The shower rod just came down while I was pooping. I caught it though and the curtain stayed on, so I'm not sure if it's a good or bad omen for the rest of my day
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
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