STUCK IN CAPS. WANA GET AFTER IT TOMORROW?
It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.
There are pre-booty call contracts for a reason. I have no intention of calling you tomorrow.
Do you need my fax number or something?
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
Randomize
