I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
He was ugly. Like horse ugly. But he was built for power, not for speed.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
I just got hit on at the bar by a guy who used his mother as a wingman, she was pretty convincing. Only in Stratford.
I'm planning our wedding on the computer and our threesome on my phone. At the same time.
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
I’m done with him. I’m going to the beach to catch a fresh dick
Randomize
