I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
