I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll
Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.
just saw ex-bf. should he be more embarrassed to be a college dropout working at rite aid or should i be because i was buying newports and rembrant?
tie
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
Stoned stonnnnnnned on the raaaaange
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
Hey, I found that piece of pizza you lost in my bed last night. Never again...
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
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