I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
the taste of these tagalongs is totally worth boning that creepy troop leader chick...
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.
They sext over her pic comments. Role playing as wolves.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
So in my DUI class I had to write down 3 people I'd call if I needed to talk and why...they all want to meet you now...
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
Randomize
