I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
He insisted that I looked like Kiefer Sutherland, told me he didn't know what to do about it, then hugged me awkwardly.
You haven't had the true md experience until you've had your crotch grabbed by a drunk stripper with a snaggle tooth in front of your coworkers.
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
By the way anyone who is willing to be in the film while tripping gets free shrooms.
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Randomize
