Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.
Naked Twister starts at high noon
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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