sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
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