I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?
Lol no its called college
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
He wasn't lying when he said he was immune to pepperspray. He pretended it burned for like 12 seconds and told the cops he was kidding he was alright. We'll be there soon.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
he spent like 10 minutes trying to convince us that he was throwing up in the bushes on purpose in order to cut weight for wrestling
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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