I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
I think I'm going to call this chapter of my life story "Weekday day-drinking in the park isn't just for the homeless!"
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
Seltzer and cocaine. Life is flawless right now.
I haven't answered because I haven't figured out a polite way of saying fuck no
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
