no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
I lost my virginity in that bed. You just layed in history.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off
Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.
If he was naked that was me.
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I can't masturbate without laughing really hard at some point and it's entirely your fault.
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
Randomize
