Why did you send me a picture of a dick?
It was an accident sry. Not mine tho.
I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
Randomize
