I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Needless to say Beer Gardens severly frowns upon playing flip cups with real glasses.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
Already puke and ralleyd and dressed like a bear.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
Good news: you're over the drunk crying life phase. Bad news: now you're handy and violent. You were groping me from behind in front of the guy you like, then you put me in a headlock and swept the leg.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
