i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
literally just blacked in. Im watching what to expect when your expecting, eating pretzels and peanut butter, and I have someone's underwear around my neck.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Dude I am a waste of space, I just febreezed myself so I could go out and get lunch
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
Randomize
