It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
And then he told me he had the vodka, but he was still in line at WIC for the juice.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Dont ask questions just say words. where can i find plan b?
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
Randomize