You up for the gym tonight after work?
I'm up for a light workout and a nice yog.
Fair enough, I'm gonna hit it hard today.
Chris Brown style, or less felonious?
Haha, all felonious.
let's bang
You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.
Just walked by a guy on campus YELLING 'Im still hammered'
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
1st rule of birth control pills: do not stop taking birth control pills. 2nd rule of birth control pills: do NOT STOP taking birth control pills.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I was chasing moonshine with vodka last night. I'm still not sure how I'm sober right now.
I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?
Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Pretty sure the delivery guy saw me taking a shit this morning
Yeah. I hurt his pride. But he's not over it. And by it I mean me.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
