I could make wine with my vomit
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
People were stuck in the elevator screaming and freaking out. I banged on the door and yelled, "fire depart!" They got excited and then I ran away. lolz
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
He felt like a one man threesome
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
Randomize
