By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
what is college for if not random hookup sex?
learning.
i would literally fuck learning if i could.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
I was talking to this girl who was in love with the air force. I was doing decently until I mentioned that the navy actually has more planes. Cockblocked by my knowledge of random trivia again.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
The career specialist read an Onion article to us. Please send help.
Seriously though, I walked in and he was holding my cat in the air singing "the circle of life"...
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