I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
He tried to make an olympic torch by lighting a corona box on top of a pool cleaner.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
