I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
I'm gonna answer everything she says with 'cum on da face' until she breaks up with me...great idea or greatest idea?
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.
that bad?
u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
I m a li title tea p or short and sto u. T.... Here is my haaandley
C ANGT CATCH NE IM THE GIBNGER BREAS MAB
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
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