She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
Some guy on the train just glared at me. So I'm drinking tequilla out of a dixie cup. Go fuck yourself.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Hey, don't think you remember me but we met last night. I'm conducting a survey this morning its only one question: Have you seen Rob since 1am?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
If this were a real emergency kilted men wielding claymores and riding giant badgers would hve rescued said Guinness. So clearly this is just a hypothetical
The last thing I remember is singing hotel California with a hobo and asking every bald man I saw if I could touch his head.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
That's what I love about being a lesbian. My roommate's boyfriend watched her finger me and then he made me pancakes in the morning. AND THEN HE LEFT.
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
