I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I miss the days where our biggest worries were who was gonna win battle shits.
IM BACK TOGETHER WITH MY BF AND HERE YOU ARE SUCKING DICK FROM 2009
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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