You smell like stripper and shame
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
Lesson learned. Whipped cream will eat through a condom.
Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.
It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You're just gonna have to make the sacrifice man.
I'm trying to hide in the table.
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
Well, I just bought plan b with the tips I made from the job that I slept with my manager. So yeah, that's my life. How's yours?
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I don't know what that means. Any of it. BUT I will be at your house at 10:20 and you better be ready to get high as balls.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
Randomize
